Peace be upon your backside...

Ever since i've come to delhi, all my friends back home have been asking me how many women i've raped. While, dejectedly replying that i haven't indeed managed to rape a single one, It dawned on me that the problem has gone out of hand. There's too many people enjoying free, casual sex in this place. I mean ,414 rapes in one year!!. That has GOT to be a record. Enough is enough. This city needs saving. This city, needs a messiah.

I, Ankit Majumder have decided to *assume the position* , of messiah because:

1] I am a nice,honest,just, good guy at heart and i deserve to get laid, MUCH MORE than some scumbag rapist, who doesnt pay for sex (dating a girl / paying the prostitute in question).

2] Messiahs get laid.

3]I'm SICK of people , media, police, etc moaning about rape . Heck , even the rapists are moaning , but due to entirely different reasons.

4] I hate the idea of people just coming , and well *cumming*. While decent nice, guys i know (read 'me') go broke on dates, look into the girl's eyes, make up mushy bullshit, and act as free cab drivers months, only to get friendzoned (read "haha , i trolled you, loser!!!! You want sex ? How about i fuck you without touching you?. ") WHERE IS THE JUSTICE???

5] When i was a child, i had a dream. My dream was to have a sixteensome . My mother told me never to give up my dreams , and to always believe in myself.
However, since despite my best efforts to that end, I've never ever gone past a
foursome, and because I DO want to make mommy proud, I want to fulfil my other dream . ie. To stand atop the tallest skyscraper in the city, and shout into a P.A. system "I AM YOUR GOD!!! WORSHIP ME!!!", Followed immediately by the footfalls of hundreds of thousands of females in heat , running towards me in slow motion (need i describe what slow motion and women taken together ,entail???).


6] Rape is WRONG, on a moral level. Tuna subs at subway are epic!. I love them, almost as much as i love Jessica Alba. When I go to a subway outlet, and they dont have tuna, it hurts me. It scars me as a person, and it kills a part of me. I wonder how i'll go through life knowing that i was forced against my will to have an italian B.M.T , while all i really wanted and hoped for , was a tuna sub.
So i REALLY dont want people telling me ,i dont know how rape victims feel. Because i do . No ONE should have to have a B.M.T, when they want a tuna. ( i would have said, double tuna footlong, but then i'm not reffering to myself in this article)

7] Women have become so scared by this rape paranoia, that they have actually STOPPED dressing provocatively. I'd be hard pressed to find a woman who'll accompany me to a dark alley in the middle of the night. THIS SPELLS DISASTER!!!

8]I understand that its not cool, when some guy other than the guy whom you wanna screw, comes out of the shadows and yells "SURPRISE :D" before he screws you up . I've had Shambhavi, my class representative do the same thing to me, with messages about extra class. But again i've wandered off on another tangent.

So THE QUESTION IS: WHAT IS A WOMEN SUPPOSED TO DO?
the answer: ME!

But since most people are too thick to realise, that i,me ,myself, am the one true solution to the problem of rape in this city. I have ANOTHER solution :

A simple innovation, that will save the law enforcement, the women, and the whiny little runts at 'tehelka' a lot of trouble. You dont need to *force* yourselves to wear traditional clothing. No one can *restrain* your freedom and *gag* your spirit anymore.


Lo an behold!!... the Majumder, Chastity Belt-5000


Its a steel underwear with a lock only you can open. Oh yes, it ALSO has a NASTY surprise for anyone who tries to rape you when you're not looking. JAGGED SHARP BARBS.


*Nasty guy try to rape you? LET HIM. he'll find out, raping poor little women aint COOL..

* Need to cut veggies for a sandwich? The ,MCB-5000'S got your back

* Been drunk with the wrong crowd ? Drunk enough to sleep with someone you dont like quite so much? . Dont tell the police you got raped ,later. PREVENT IT...with the MCB-5000.

* Boyfriend been cheating? TEACH HIM A LESSON!!

* Guy you've seduced n led to your room , not inclined to pay for sex? WAIT till he sees what he's dealing with.

The Majumder Chastity Belt-5000, Is made from pure Japanese carbon steel. IT'll take him a welding machine to get through to you !!!


Girls : Dont be victims. Step up and claim the security you KNOW , you deserve

Guys : Dont let that venomous girlfriend, wife, or classmate , throw a fake rape allegation at you . Buy her the MCB5000. Not even the cops will believe you got through one with you manhood intact.

Step up, and claim a tension free life today!!!!

COMING SOON:
the MCBF-500

a completely NEW version of the MCB,developed on public demand for feminists who arent just content with stopping rape .

"who'll pay for the thousands of years of rape we've suffered, you misogynistic, ASSHOLE?" - Renuka Chaudhary.

The answer : YOU'LL pay.......

by buying the NEW MCBF-5000- a chastity belt with a twist.

It comes with a set of 5 different metal pieces of varying thickness and length, that can conveniently be attached perpendicularly to the front of your new MCBF-5000. With our revolutionary neew locking system, you can make those male assholes pay, by giving them a little taste of their own medicine . . . RAPE EM!

"YOU RAPE ME???? I RAPE YOU!!!!!" - Arab feminist ,Al habibi , before raping a man with the MCBF-5000 , and then promptly detonating the rdx strapped to her chest