Twilight rant review....MUAHAHAHAHA...sorry, cant help my language on this one...

Read some ‘twilight’ recently. Actually, was kind of dragged into it. After sifting through 434 Pages of absolute excreta, I’d like to make an effort (Actually, no. This sort of douche-baggery comes quite naturally to me) to anal-yse and rect-ify my previous thought about the series which were based on the observations of the exact kind of people I will insult here.

Firstly, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the work of Stephanie Meyer whom I have come to consider the literary equivalent of a freshly squished slug. The first book of the series, which frankly, is the only one I could hate myself enough to finish, would have disgusted me for the rest of my life had it not been amazingly forgettable.

Ok , so for those who have not read the book, I’d like to provide a short plot summary . A pathetically clumsy girl called Bella “Swan” goes to live with her loser father who was left by her ambitious mother....after she flirted with his dreams of a happily-ever-after. The town is called ‘Forks’ if I recall correctly. Forks is rainy and cloudy to add to the pathetic emo feel of the books. Bella is a ‘perfectly ordinary 17 year old’ who is clumsy enough to slip on a gravel bed with rock climbing shoes, retarded enough to mistake Jude Law for Pingu the Penguin, and yes, as self obsessed and narcissist a b***h as you will ever hear of.

Bella is not exceptionally beautiful but still manages to get at least 17 guys hit on her on her first day at school. Strange huh? Anyway, she acts like the B***h that she is to all the guys who are polite to her and try to make friends…..Why? Because Bella is looking for someone extraordinary….How about an age old undead vampire? Wow…exactly what the doctor ordered for her. The vampire in question is called Edward Cullen.-A pale, gaunt, individual with no actual depth .Stephanie Meyer, goes on explaining repeatedly how, handsome and prissy perfect and plain hot, said vampire is which makes you wonder two things:

1) How many synonyms does hot have anyway?

2) Why the F*** is this lady writing books describing her wet dreams?

Meanwhile you get to understand that Bella Swan is definitely retarded and start questioning the political correctness of the book. Bella is evidently the author’s version of herself. Obviously a pathetic attempt at an ‘ordinary’ girl, she is an absolute loser, who is neither, beautiful, nor acceptably sentient, but is rather vertically challenged and self obsessed. Moreover, she is also exceptionally narcissistic and self centred…to the point where she is obsessed and you get the feeling that she considers herself above all. Her character has no depth or meaning. During the course of the book, she flirts with a boy just to extract some information and later dances with another guy in front of him without caring in the least for his feelings…establishing my opinion of her .

So anyway, the 80 year old vampire Edward likes her for more than exotic cuisine, which disappoints the reader because it would have put an end to Bella’s miserable existence. He falls in love with her and establishes himself as a paedophile in the process. He takes Bella to meet his ‘Rich’ family, in his ‘luxury sports car’ . His family has the basic clichéd characters such as the kindly father, the motherly mother, the misfit brother and the muscular brother with his flawlessly beautiful girlfriend/wife/sister/wench…and a sister who can see the future which makes it immensely convenient for Stephanie to explain the Cullen’s riches and a lot of the ensuing plot or the lack of it.

Here again, it becomes necessary to provide a description of Edward Cullen. He is extremely handsome, filthy rich, plays the piano like a master, stronger than any human being, immortal, eternally youthful, almost invincible and oh-so perfect. He is also a vampire.

It is painfully obvious that Stephanie Meyer has visualised Bella as herself. Bella is such a self-important loser that most dumb bitches can imagine themselves in her shoes. Further, the author proceeds to pamper said narcissists with the hope that the AWESOME PERFECT DUDE will fall in love with them and anyone who doesn’t have all those qualities deserves to be played and dumped just like Bella’s mom dumped her dad whom she for some convoluted reason wants to call Charlie.

One of the only original things about this book is a reinvented concept of vampires. So far we have known vampires to be killed by light. Not anymore. Light does not kill vampires. TWILIGHT kills vampires. In this book, light makes a vampire sparkle like a bitch. In real life, guys who sparkle are not called vampires. I believe the term in use is FAGGOT. He is also a “vegetarian” vampire, which proves that vampires don’t exist in real life, as if they had, Meyer would have been a bloodless corpse torn to shreds by now.

The love story progresses with the reader wincing at each expression Bella’s clear desperation and sexual depravation which may be termed as ‘sensitivity’ and true ‘love’.

Edward also has this strange habit of watching Bella sleep, following her around and manhandling her which clearly make him a stalker and a woman abuser.

So to sum up Edward, he is :

1] Dead for like 80 years.

2] A paedophile

3] A sparkling faggot

4] A stalker

5] A manhandler

6] A vampire who gets urges to drink Bella’s blood every 5 minutes.

7] A guy lacking any serious depth or reason, which is probably an epically failed shot at a ‘mysterious’ feel.

All this is tolerated by Bella who treats far nicer guys like filth and stays with Edward just because Edward she loves him (read she finds him hot).

Finally Bella goes to play baseball with vampires in the middle of the night in the middle of the woods, which in itself makes you doubt her sanity. She then gets likes by another vampire in an appetizing sort of way. Edward roars like an animal (presumably embarrassed at admitting his love for thanksgiving turkey). But typically, they don’t kill each other. A long protracted chase across the country follows, where all doubts of Bella being sentient are cleared. Following some obviously fake threat of her characterless mother being in trouble, Bella walks into an obvious trap and then gets saved at the last moment my MR-OH-SO-AWESOME-SPARKLING-EDWARD. And so ends a painfully boring, clichéd and pathetic story that only sore, wannabe losers could like. Of course, these days people listen to stuff like Hannah Montana which confirms that this book will be an epic success.

I rate this book slightly higher than ‘The complete chronological evolution classification record of plant phylum and parasitic fungi.’

If you haven’t read the book, save yourself and some money. This book has no humour, wit, plot or plain beauty of language to write home about. DON’T buy this book (if you can call it one). Read THE GAMEWORLD TRILOGY by SAMIT BASU instead. If you ARE reading this book, make sure it when your mother in not nearby. I don’t think she will take kindly to the constant stream of F-words that are sure to emanate from within you while you read this. Finally, don’t let your girlfriend get hold of the book. She will expect you to be like Edward. Twilight is spoiling girl’s opinions of what they want from guys. I heard one of my friends exasperatedly trying to explain to his girl, “I AM NOT A VAMPIRE, SHWETA.” I told him to put on some fake fangs and rip her throat….

DO NOT BUY.

P.S.: I also made a failed attempt to read the sequels, but gave up. All I can say is- JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT STEPHANIE MEYER TO BE INCAPABLE OF SCREWING UP ANOTHER LEGENDARY CREATURE, SAY HELLO TO JACOB BLACK-THE WEREWOLF.